So now that Pandora's Box has been opened, I think my doctor truly understood the magnitude of the internal struggle I had going on that was behind my depression and my weight gain. And this of course was only the first step in me getting some form of help. She saw that I was struggling with my demons. Even though they were internal, I still felt like if I let people know what was going on, it would somehow cause them some stress and pain, and that's something that always bothers me even to this day. The hardest thing I do is keep things inside me so that people around me that I love aren't affected. What I didn't realize that was by doing this, people thought I was distancing myself fro them, when it's really not them, it's me that I distance myself from.
My husband knew none of anything I had gone through and I was terrified to say the least to let him know what was brewing inside me. Around my loved ones, I try to seem so well put together and so organized. Well, that's because my chaos lives within me. Hidden deep and just now reaching the surface with the help of my doctor.
After my first conversation, which by the way, ended with me crying uncontrollably. It took me awhile to calm down, but for the first time, letting the words start to surface, was somehow comforting. She sat me down and looked at her schedule and blatantly told me that this is only the beginning. So here we were scheduling appointments every couple weeks. She is an amazing doctor, and opening up to her was very comforting because she didn't look at me like she was judging me. We talked a bit more about my medical history to see if we could maybe work on a couple things at once. I told her about my PCO (Poly Cystic Ovarian Disease) and she asked me if I was ever checked for diabetes. Well, I didn't understand the question until she explained the relationship between diabetes and PCO. Wow, go figure it took me falling apart to learn something new about something that I've been living with since I was 16. She scheduled the blood glucose levels test for me for the following week.
I left her office that day feeling a tiny bit lighter, but she was right, it was only the beginning, we had merely scratched the surface to tell you the truth. She prescribed a prescription to help me deal with the depression and the anxiety. In all honesty I didn't take them at first because I didn't want anything to change ME. But at the same time, the crying fits had become uncontrollable as have the anxiety attacks. There were times at work where I would be sitting at my desk, and the tears would just start falling. Good thing I sat close to the bathroom and could easily get in there without anyone noticing. It got to the point where I decided to take them. Well that lasted all of a couple days. The prescription she gave me was some pretty potent stuff. After a couple days of taking them, I realized, that somehow I wasn't me anymore. So without the medication, I wasn't me, and with the medication I wasn't me either. I mean, they reduced the crying fits and the anxiety attacks for most part, and oddly enough I noticed I was eating alot less, but I was wayyyyyyyyyy too calm, and that just wasn't me and I was afraid people would notice and ask me what was wrong, so I stopped taking them. I figured the best way to fight this was to fight it head on. So that's what I'm doing now. Fighting my internal battles head on and finally bringing it all to the surface.
The open box was exactly what the doctored ordered, but I know it will be a long hard road. There is still so much that needs to be said that I need to deal with. It's several years of build up and of secrets that I promised I would never let out. Some that I don't even know where to begin with. But I am BEGINNING, and that atleast is a good step forward to me Looking for myself within all the pain within.
