Pandora's Box

So let me go back to where it all began.  And I mean WAYYYYYYYYYY back to where I think some of the trouble with my weight actually started.  I'm not going to say it's always been a problem, because that just isn't the case.  I used to be a tiny little thing.  Worked out alot, ate properly.  My weight started piling on when I had my second child.  Now, I love both of my babies equally, my son has turned into an absolutely amazing young man, and my little girl, well, she is turning into an amazing young little girl.  I've always wanted children but was told many many years ago, that because I had PCO (Polycystic Ovarian Disease), that it just wasn't in the cards.  Well surprise surprise.  Looks like the doctors were wrong about that one.  hahahahhaha  Thank goodness for that because in all honesty, I don't even want to think of what my life would be like without my babies. 

So back to my story.  When I had my daughter, a lot of things changed.  I had just become a mom for the second time, and I cried ALOT.  Not because I was becoming a mom again, but because I was always worried that I would in some way fail to always protect my children from anything that could potentially harm them.  I felt the same when I only had my son, but having the second baby, somehow made the job seem to be so much harder.  I always stressed even when I had my son that I was never doing ENOUGH for him.  I literally spoiled him and protected him to no end at all.  After all, he was my little baby angel boy and that was why he was put on this earth.  As the years passed, and he grew, we decided we wanted to have another baby.  So here comes my little angel girl into the world.  What a beautiful blessing they have both been for me to have. 

Protecting your kids is hard enough in todays society, but when you have so many bottled up emotions and stress about failing to parent them and protect them to all ends of the earth, well, it really does start to wear you down.  I kept all my doubts, all my stress, all my worries and all my hidden thoughts to myself.  Anytime they would creep up in my brain, I would cook because at that point, cooking and eating had become my own little version of therapy.  Soon enough, there I was. Stress cooking and eating.  At first, somehow I didn't notice, or maybe I did, and just refused to deal with what I was doing to myself.  Stress eating can easily be one of the most calming things I had done for myself, and no one could tell me anything about what I was eating or how often.  I just wouldn't listen.  So on it went, stressing and cooking, stressing and eating.   Anyone who knows me personally, knows how much I love to cook and eat.  It got to the point, where I started battling depression because I felt lost in myself somehow. 

I had days where I honestly would just sit alone and cry, without even really knowing what I was crying about because I never sat down and thought about what I was doing, what I was dealing with, what I had dealt with, and what it was doing to the ME that I had buried deep deep within.  I had become an emotional disaster according to my doctor and needed help. 

The journey to find myself couldn't really start until I started dealing with the emotions I had buried for years.  The memories, the pain that I had hidden since I was a little girl.  Having children started to trigger those memories and my way of dealing with them was to stress eat.  So I did.  For many many years, until I just couldn't get through the day without finding myself in tears for one reason or another.  I suffered from panic attacks, and crying bouts that I couldn't figure out how to stop.  To make matters worse, the heavier I got, the more depressed I became because I was not happy with ME.   So I guess that's really where my journey begins.  It all began with an emotional meltdown that was bound to happen at some point, if I didn't talk to someone.

So that's what I did.  I started talking to my doctor.  That first discussion was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  I honestly felt like I was opening Pandora's box, and to be honest, I was scared of what the box held inside.  But I guess that was it.  That was the beginning of the journey for me to truly start looking at myself.
 

Where to Begin!

So I guess I should start off my introducing myself and provide a brief summary as to why I decided to start this blog in the first place.  Normally, I'm not one to put my feelings, thoughts, struggles or successes out into the world, but lately, I seem to have alot of people asking me what is going on in my world and how have I been able to finally lose some of the weight.

So first off this blog is about my journey to find myself.  I'm doing this through a variation of different methods.  New adventures, new friends, new weight loss journey, and new self awareness.  It really all started back in January 2012 when I got on the scale one day and tipped it at almost 200lbs.  I've struggled with my weight for the past 9 years so to see that I had gotten that high on the scale, almost without realizing it creeping up on me.  Who am I kidding!  I saw it creeping up on me, I just got way too busy with other things to really take a hard look at myself and what was causing my weight gain and my health to spiral out of control.  At that point, I was 38 years old, mother of two a wife, and an individual that pretty much hid under layers of hoodies and sweat pants.

Well, the day I tipped the scale, was an absolute eye opener.  A friend of mine had been telling me about this health program that she had tried and worked for her months before, and I just shook it off thinking that there is no way anything like that would ever help me.  Well let me tell you, when the scale hit that magic number, I just couldn't deny it anymore.  I was gaining weight and I NEEDED to do something about it.  I had already been on Metformin for about a year and a half, and in all honesty, I didn't think for a minute about what I was doing to my body or my health long term.  Truth was, even though I was happy in my life, I had and still have so many internal struggles that I am just now learning to deal with. 

I ate because I was depressed and I was depressed because I ate.  It was a horrible battle and is something that I still struggle with to this day.  I haven't had the easiest life by no means at all.  I grew up seeing and hearing things that I internalized so that they wouldn't impact people around me negatively.  Especially my children and my husband.  Under no circumstances did I ever want any of them affected by what I dealt with internally.  What I didn't realize was that by internalizing all my pain and all my internal battles within myself, it lead to alot of comfort food which then made me bigger and bigger. 

The bigger I got, the less I felt like doing things with my husband and my children.  I was ashamed to go out and enjoy myself because I didn't feel comfortable in my own skin.  I lived like that for 9 years.  You have to keep in mind as well, that I am only 5'3 so at that height, that amount of weight is just not distributed in a healthy way.  I spent alot of time crying to myself, not only over my weight, but over everything that is going on inside me that I NEVER dealt with.  Unresolved feelings about my childhood, my family, my future.  It all weighs on you at some point especially if you hold everything in and don't tell anyone.  Telling people about your deepest secrets and fears is one of the hardest things to do.  I didn't ell anyone because I didn't want to be judged or I didn't want anyone to look at me differently.  In a way, my weight was my comfort and I could hide behind it.

So this blog is about my journey.  I'll share with you some of my thoughts, my struggles, my successes and by doing so, I'll be helping my inner self deal with the pain that I've kept in side for so long and hid it all by eating for comfort.

If this blog can help anyone in any shape of form deal with internal struggles that will help them get their weight and their life under control, then by all means, I'd love to hear about it. 

Keep reading, there is alot more to come.