Pandora's Box

So let me go back to where it all began.  And I mean WAYYYYYYYYYY back to where I think some of the trouble with my weight actually started.  I'm not going to say it's always been a problem, because that just isn't the case.  I used to be a tiny little thing.  Worked out alot, ate properly.  My weight started piling on when I had my second child.  Now, I love both of my babies equally, my son has turned into an absolutely amazing young man, and my little girl, well, she is turning into an amazing young little girl.  I've always wanted children but was told many many years ago, that because I had PCO (Polycystic Ovarian Disease), that it just wasn't in the cards.  Well surprise surprise.  Looks like the doctors were wrong about that one.  hahahahhaha  Thank goodness for that because in all honesty, I don't even want to think of what my life would be like without my babies. 

So back to my story.  When I had my daughter, a lot of things changed.  I had just become a mom for the second time, and I cried ALOT.  Not because I was becoming a mom again, but because I was always worried that I would in some way fail to always protect my children from anything that could potentially harm them.  I felt the same when I only had my son, but having the second baby, somehow made the job seem to be so much harder.  I always stressed even when I had my son that I was never doing ENOUGH for him.  I literally spoiled him and protected him to no end at all.  After all, he was my little baby angel boy and that was why he was put on this earth.  As the years passed, and he grew, we decided we wanted to have another baby.  So here comes my little angel girl into the world.  What a beautiful blessing they have both been for me to have. 

Protecting your kids is hard enough in todays society, but when you have so many bottled up emotions and stress about failing to parent them and protect them to all ends of the earth, well, it really does start to wear you down.  I kept all my doubts, all my stress, all my worries and all my hidden thoughts to myself.  Anytime they would creep up in my brain, I would cook because at that point, cooking and eating had become my own little version of therapy.  Soon enough, there I was. Stress cooking and eating.  At first, somehow I didn't notice, or maybe I did, and just refused to deal with what I was doing to myself.  Stress eating can easily be one of the most calming things I had done for myself, and no one could tell me anything about what I was eating or how often.  I just wouldn't listen.  So on it went, stressing and cooking, stressing and eating.   Anyone who knows me personally, knows how much I love to cook and eat.  It got to the point, where I started battling depression because I felt lost in myself somehow. 

I had days where I honestly would just sit alone and cry, without even really knowing what I was crying about because I never sat down and thought about what I was doing, what I was dealing with, what I had dealt with, and what it was doing to the ME that I had buried deep deep within.  I had become an emotional disaster according to my doctor and needed help. 

The journey to find myself couldn't really start until I started dealing with the emotions I had buried for years.  The memories, the pain that I had hidden since I was a little girl.  Having children started to trigger those memories and my way of dealing with them was to stress eat.  So I did.  For many many years, until I just couldn't get through the day without finding myself in tears for one reason or another.  I suffered from panic attacks, and crying bouts that I couldn't figure out how to stop.  To make matters worse, the heavier I got, the more depressed I became because I was not happy with ME.   So I guess that's really where my journey begins.  It all began with an emotional meltdown that was bound to happen at some point, if I didn't talk to someone.

So that's what I did.  I started talking to my doctor.  That first discussion was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  I honestly felt like I was opening Pandora's box, and to be honest, I was scared of what the box held inside.  But I guess that was it.  That was the beginning of the journey for me to truly start looking at myself.